Plane Etiquette

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. We were in CA this week for the funeral. Normally this is where I'd do a nice, touching, memorial post about my grandmother, but I'm just not ready to talk about that yet. So instead, I've decided to do a post dedicated to all those who helped make our time spent flying the friendly skies these past few days all that much more excruciating.

1. When the announcement is made that your plane is starting to board, put down your drink and get your heiny out of the airport club lounge and join your fellow passengers asap. Do not take so long in meandering over to the appropriate gate that you actually delay the flight. Do not wait until the airline has to actually threaten to give away your tickets in their effort to motivate you to do as you're told. Chances are, you booked the flight, and selected the flight time, and, even if you didn't, THE BOARDING TIME IS PRINTED ON YOUR BOARDING PASS. If you can't figure out what time you need to board your plane, please find another method of transportation. The rest of us have better things to do than wait on you.

2. If properly stowing your carry on luggage is proving to be a bit too challenging for you once you are on the plane, please step aside and let those behind you pass so that they may find their seat and get situated. Then you may rearrange your carry on luggage to your heart's content. Do not take five minutes trying to put your carry on suitcase into an overhead compartment, only to realize that it does not fit and that you will have to move it somewhere else. Do not take an additional 10 minutes to find somewhere else to put it, all the while holding up 20 other passengers who are standing behind you waiting to get to their seat because it has not occurred to you to let them pass. Do not take your time taking off your coat in the center aisle once you have finally found space for your carry on luggage. Do not, after all of this, begin to sit down, only to realize that you would like to put your cane in the overhead compartment as well, and then jump up just as those who you've kept waiting have been finally allowed to begin to find their seats, and who now have to stop yet again and wait for you to find just the right spot for your cane. If you are doing all of the above as the flight attendants are making announcements urging people to quickly stow their luggage and sit down, THEY ARE TALKING TO YOU. If the captain makes an announcement prior to take off saying, "We're going to be a little late getting out of the gate here today, folks. It took us longer to board than we thought" HE'S TALKING ABOUT YOU. Also, if it's taking you longer than it should to load your suitcase in the overhead compartment because you're struggling to lift it, either pack lighter or check your bag.

3. If you have physical issues that require you to take more time to deplane than the average person, please sit in your seat until all other passengers have gotten off the plane before doing so yourself. Please do not stand in the center aisle and put on your coat while those who were seated behind you stand and wait. Also, please note that putting on one's coat should not require ten minutes. If the state of your physical being presents airline seat to passenger space ratio issues that require you to have to stand in the center aisle to put on your coat, please at least return to your seat after you have done so, so that those behind you may pass. Please do not continue to gather your things, arrange them just so, and then slowly shuffle off the plane. And for Pete's sake, please do not then slowly shuffle into the bathroom and stand in the worst possible location, spreading your crap around and taking up as much space as possible, thereby once again forcing the rest of us to either move around you or wait for you to move, especially since by this time we all really really really have to pee because it just took us 20 minutes longer than it should have to get off of the plane because of you.

4. Please be careful when adjusting your seat back. Please do not lurch your seat backward at top speed, using your 6 foot 4, 230 pound frame to expedite the process. This only results in the chair over-extending from the sheer force of your efforts, and bonking the head of the passenger seated directly behind you as she is leaning over searching for her MP3 player. There is no reason to have to lean back in your chair at warp speed. And my head still hurts.

5. When the flight attendants ask you to do something, do it. Do not make them come back and ask you to return your seat back to its original position five times before actually doing so, and then only doing it because the flight attendant is now pushing your chair forward and refusing to leave until you comply. I don't care if you're not comfortable. It's a plane. It's uncomfortable by default. If you can't accept that, don't fly.

Some people are just a special kind of stupid.