Friday, June 13, 2008

Ladies, Please!

There is an assumption, or stereotype, if you will, in our society that women are by nature cleaner than men. I am not sure where this assumption came from, but I am here to tell you that based on the vile messes and rank odors I have encountered in the third floor women's restroom of my office building this week, this assumption is not true. In honor of the horrors I have witnessed, I have put together some guidelines for women's public restroom usage:

1. Thou shalt flush thy toilet.

2. If thou has left skid marks, thou shalt flush thy toilet as many times as necessary to get rid of said skid marks.

3. If thou is unable to flush thy toilet, thou will alert all other restroom patrons and preferably a member of the building maintenance crew if one is available that toilet is inoperable.

4. If thou has used the toilet in such a manner as causes it to overflow, thou will alert building maintenance and other bathroom visitors of problem.

5. If thou insists on taking thy cup of coffee into thy toilet stall, thou will clean up any coffee that is spilled in said stall before exiting.

6. Thou will either throw thy cup of coffee away or take it with them when exiting the bathroom.

7. Thou will not attempt conversation with the stranger in the next stall, unless said conversation is imperative to attaining the necessary toilet paper for this particular restroom visit.

8. Thou will hang up thy cell phone before entering the toilet stall.

9. The floor is not a trash can.

10. Neither is the vanity countertop.

11. Thou will wash thy hands after exiting the toilet stall.

12. Thou will wash thy hands after exiting the toilet stall in a rational manner, without splashing water about so as to cover the entire vanity countertop, making it impossible for future restroom visitors to place their purses or other personal items on said counter without getting them wet.

13. If thou insists on having a pool party whilst washing thy hands, thou will at least wipe up the spilled water with a paper towel(s) before exiting the bathroom.

14. If thou is not going to be a lady and sit down on the seat, then thou should be a gentleman and put it up (and then put it back down again when finished).

15. If thou refuses to adhere to Guideline # 14, thou shall make sure toilet and stall are clean prior to exiting.

It's not rocket science, people.


Colleen said...

I'm glad I don't have to use that restroom! People can really be gross!

Growler said...

Haha, I should post these in our building's bathroom. I'm so obsessive complusive when it comes to public restrooms. I cannot believe some of these women who will sit on the toilet and chat away all whilst "blowing trumpets" as my uncle used to say. But I hate it when I hear them exit the stall then leave without washing their hands. HELLO - you just touched your butthole and now you're touching the door handle. You need to be punched. Sorry. I have bathroom issues. I'm the one that uses a paper towel to open the door.

Jeff said...

This does sound surprising gross for a women's bathroom, but unfortunately I could show you men's bathrooms that will scar you for life ;b

Jeff said...

Gah! Blogger ate my comment!

A perfectly good wisecrack down the toilet! (rowr)

Queen Goob said...


Gerrrrrl, I cannot TELL you how gross some people are. 1. I work in an office that consists of mostly men. 2. I work in an office that consists of women that USED to be men. 3. Old habits die hard. 4. If the public bathrooms are this bad, can you image what their home are like because people.....I KNOW how many of you are single. 5. I now know why you're single.

(Sorry I'm late, looks like both you and I have had other things on our plates. MISS YOU!)

Mrs. R said...

Colleen: It's not only gross but inconsiderate. I don't understand people sometimes.

Growler: It's okay, I have bathroom issues too. I won't make direct contact with anything. I use toilet paper or my foot to flush the toilet, I cover my hands with toilet paper when unlocking the toilet stall, and I grab a paper towel after washing my hands to turn off the water. I also use a paper towel to open the bathroom door. I've just seen way too many scary things.

Jeff: I shared a bathroom with my brother growing up, and I have no doubt based on that experience that you are correct. Sorry about the blogger issues--I don't know why it freaks out sometimes.

Queen: What is it with people?!? Why do they think it's okay to be disgusting in public restrooms? Ish.

I miss you too! I've been meaning to blog more--maybe next month I'll turn over a new leaf. :)

Laura said...

Ewwww...people are gross. I also go with the "no touch" method. I've also trained my children well...I'm sure you'd laugh if you could see the 3 of us in a stall together.

MadMad said...

Oh, I wish there was a way to make this information public... because it seems not many people know about these fine traditions!

Mrs. R said...

Laura: I don't think I would laugh, because I'd be thinking "Oh, no that's a good idea..."

MadMad: I did think about printing these off and posting them on the bathroom door in my building. I haven't worked up the nerve...yet.