Monday, June 30, 2008

My Husband, The Romantic

It seems like just yesterday my wedding cake was melting under the sun shining through the big bay window of our reception hall.

I cannot believe it has been five years already. We have had our share of ups and downs, but there's still no one else I could tolerate sharing my life with. Our anniversary was very nice--well, at least if you were me. :) My husband went all out.

I awoke to breakfast in bed, which consisted of OJ, scrambled eggs with mushrooms and chives, homemade waffles (yes, you read that right--he made them from scratch), and tea, which was brought to me in what was my anniversary present, my very own tea set. It was served with a fresh bouquet of flowers.

My husband had a photo sitting on our anniversary, so in protest I had scheduled a pedicure for myself. When I got out to my car, there was another gift waiting for me. It was a cute squirrel votive candle holder (I heart squirrels). It turns out that in addition to the tea set, Hubby had purchased five separate gifts, for our five years of marriage, which he presented throughout the morning. There were also five bouquets of flowers for the five years of marriage, which he placed around the house.

Isn't he sweet?

Thank you honey for a great weekend. Happy Anniversary!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Your Life In Six Words

Queen Goob tagged me with a meme wherein I am to write my memoir in six words. My girl Queen set the bar pretty high though, because she came up with a great memoir: Laugh at life; it's all funny. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to top that, but here are some attempts nonetheless:

Stupidity is a qualification for management.
Life does not make any sense.
Spiders are everywhere, and they suck.
The stupid shall inherit the Earth.
Anything that can go wrong, will.
Chocolate will cure a bad day.
Please will someone make it stop?
I never said I was perfect.
Inspect the leftovers before eating them.
Never give up, never give in!
Laughter really is the best medicine.
Walking can be a dangerous undertaking.
Do I LOOK like I understand?
And how are you today, officer?
There is nothing wrong with forgetful.

But the one I think I've decided to go with is:

Through God, all things are possible.

Okay! Now it's my turn to tag some more suckers fellow bloggers. I tag:


Have fun guys!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Just Call Me Slip N' Slide

Last weekend Hubby and I went canoing, and as I lay in the bottom of the canoe with my feet in the air listening to my husband's hysterical laughter and wondering how it was possible for one to fall backwards off one's seat in a canoe while reaching for a paddle, I realized that I have had a problem with equilibrium my whole life. When I think of my most embarrassing moments, they all involve me ending up face (or bum) down on some sort of painfully hard surface.

Like the time Hubby and I and a relative went out for dinner, and passed a portion of sidewalk that was raised as we were walking back to the car which I, of course, tripped over. I managed to stay upright for several more steps, and, for a moment, everyone (including me) thought I would recover, but alas, I had already passed the vertical point of no return, and after stumbling along for those few steps, gravity finally won out and down I went, face first. But unfortunately my misery was not to end there. You see, as I stumbled along in an attempt to recover my balance, I had somehow picked up momentum, so when I did go down, the leftover force resulted in me slip n' sliding on my belly along the pavement until I finally came to a screeching halt.

There I was, sprawled out on the sidewalk of a major street in downtown Minneapolis, looking like a baseball player who has just slid into home plate. And, unfortunately, I had not been able to finish my dinner, so the portion I had boxed up to take home was now strewn all over the sidewalk and me, much to the amusement of Hubby and Relative...and if memory serves correctly, some bystanders.

Then there was the time in high school when I demonstrated just why, exactly, one should be most careful when traversing the area immediately surrounding a pool. I was cursed blessed to have first period PE my freshman year, and to be in the class that was the last to enjoy use of our high school pool before it cracked and had to be drained and vacated for several years until the district coughed up money to fix it. Yes, because the stupid pool didn't have the decency to get all old and decrepit and start showing some cracks a few measly months earlier, thereby releasing me from the horror known as swimming in one's high school physical education class, I actually had to participate in this asinine activity.

Folks, I made it not one day without making a fool of myself.

I did manage to get through the actual swimming portion of the class without incident. It was when I attempted to exit the pool that disaster struck.

I was one of the last people out of the pool, so the area immediately around the ladder just outside of the pool was soaked with water. (Can you guess where this is going?) I managed to get both feet out of the pool and stand in an upright position just long enough so that everyone within eyesight could notice that I was, indeed, standing, before I somehow lost my balance, slipped, and fell square on my bum. The best part? My high school crush was probably about three feet away. I think this was the only time during high school that it even registered to him that I existed.

I had to attend make-up PE sessions for awhile that year because I refused to get back in the pool after that experience, but it was worth it.

You would think I would have learned my lesson about being careful around pools, etc., but no. A few weeks ago I was in the shower getting ready for work when out of the corner of my eye I saw something moving across the outside of the shower door. It was, of course, another eight-legged. Now our bathroom only has a standing shower, and it's one of those corner units with clear fake glass doors that go from floor to ceiling, and it's maybe 2 feet X 2 feet. Even though the spider was on the outside of the shower, I could not risk it coming into the shower while I was still bathing. I turned off the water and tried to exit the shower as gently as one possibly can when covered in soap suds and shampoo so that the Big Nasty would not be disturbed and subsequently tempted to move from where it had settled, making it that much harder for me to terminate it. I grabbed about half a roll of toilet paper, wadded it up (I have been forbidden from my preferred method of Dixie Cups for spider removal), smooshed it, and flushed its remains. Feeling quite proud that I managed to work up the nerve to kill the eight-legged in under 10 minutes (seriously--it takes me awhile), and that I managed to kill it on the first attempt and did not have to wonder about its whereabouts, as they were obviously in the wad of toilet paper, I resumed my bathing.

I think, however, that I had internalized some trauma from the experience of having to make close contact with a spider, because a few minutes after that, I saw something else out of the corner of my eye (which turned out, I think, to be a drop of water, but I didn't know that at the time), except this time it was on the shower wand, which was not only inside the shower, but In. My. Hand.

I screamed and dropped the shower wand, but in my panic, I forgot that I was a) soapy and b) standing in a shower with running water and that the combination of these two factors produces c) slippery conditions. My right foot slipped out from under me, and I did not have enough weight on my left foot to remain upright. I fell backwards against the door of the shower and slid all the way down, coming to a rest in a crumpled up ball at the bottom of the shower.

So there you have it. Some of my not-so-proud moments. Want to share any of yours?

Friday, June 13, 2008

Ladies, Please!

There is an assumption, or stereotype, if you will, in our society that women are by nature cleaner than men. I am not sure where this assumption came from, but I am here to tell you that based on the vile messes and rank odors I have encountered in the third floor women's restroom of my office building this week, this assumption is not true. In honor of the horrors I have witnessed, I have put together some guidelines for women's public restroom usage:

1. Thou shalt flush thy toilet.

2. If thou has left skid marks, thou shalt flush thy toilet as many times as necessary to get rid of said skid marks.

3. If thou is unable to flush thy toilet, thou will alert all other restroom patrons and preferably a member of the building maintenance crew if one is available that toilet is inoperable.

4. If thou has used the toilet in such a manner as causes it to overflow, thou will alert building maintenance and other bathroom visitors of problem.

5. If thou insists on taking thy cup of coffee into thy toilet stall, thou will clean up any coffee that is spilled in said stall before exiting.

6. Thou will either throw thy cup of coffee away or take it with them when exiting the bathroom.

7. Thou will not attempt conversation with the stranger in the next stall, unless said conversation is imperative to attaining the necessary toilet paper for this particular restroom visit.

8. Thou will hang up thy cell phone before entering the toilet stall.

9. The floor is not a trash can.

10. Neither is the vanity countertop.

11. Thou will wash thy hands after exiting the toilet stall.

12. Thou will wash thy hands after exiting the toilet stall in a rational manner, without splashing water about so as to cover the entire vanity countertop, making it impossible for future restroom visitors to place their purses or other personal items on said counter without getting them wet.

13. If thou insists on having a pool party whilst washing thy hands, thou will at least wipe up the spilled water with a paper towel(s) before exiting the bathroom.

14. If thou is not going to be a lady and sit down on the seat, then thou should be a gentleman and put it up (and then put it back down again when finished).

15. If thou refuses to adhere to Guideline # 14, thou shall make sure toilet and stall are clean prior to exiting.

It's not rocket science, people.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Bureaucracy At Its Finest

My friends, tragedy struck on Wednesday.

It happened in the place one might least expect it, in a place that had heretofore been to me a sweet haven of distraction from all the ills in life like bosses and spiders. Alas, my sweet haven will forevermore be tarnished by this great travesty afflicted by the most garish of villains: bureaucracy.

You see, Wednesday my husband and I had gone to Dave and Busters for an evening of frivolity and fun. We had finished our dinner and were making a beeline to the area where our most favorite of games stood in all its glory: Deal or No Deal.

Yes, some genius, somewhere, had the brilliant idea of making an arcade game based on the show, of which Hubby and I are huge fans (the arcade game, not the show). The game is surprisingly similar to the show. You are given cases numbered 1-16, which have various amounts of tickets in them. You have the option of playing the cheaper version, of which the top ticket amount is 200, or the more expensive version, where the top ticket amount possible is 400. The rest of the game is played exactly as you see on TV.

It. Is. So. Much. Fun.

But alas, we were stopped dead in our tracks by a most unwelcome sight: emptiness. That's right. The game had completely vanished from where it once stood. We looked around to see if it had just been moved, but the game was nowhere to be found. Heartbroken, we looked for another game to play to ease our disappointment. Shortly thereafter, an employee walked by and asked if we would like anything to drink, and we took the opportunity to ask about our most beloved game. Had it just been sent somewhere for repair? Did they really get rid of it permanently? Hubby and I had come up with many possible scenarios to explain its disappearance, but nothing prepared us for what the employee said.

"We had to get rid of it," she said. "The gaming commission decided that it was gambling, so they've been taken out of everywhere."

Say what?

"Yeah, the commission said that because it wasn't a skill game that it was gambling. The non-skill games aren't supposed to give tickets, and since this one did, we had to take it out."

So let me get this straight. I can go to the local Indian casinos and gamble my life savings away, I can hop on a plane to Vegas and bet our house on blackjack, but I can't win a few paltry Dave and Busters tickets on the Deal or No Deal arcade game because that somehow is seen as unhealthy?

What did the gaming commission think was going to happen? Did they think pasty white Midwestern 8-year-olds would start selling crack just so they could make more money to put on their Dave and Busters playing card? Did they think adults would blow a mortgage payment trying to get the coveted 400 ticket case? Has anyone on the gaming commission ever been to Dave and Busters? You have to go, like, 4,537 times before you have enough tickets for anything decent. And by the time you've got enough tickets for something decent, you've spent 6,000 times more to win the tickets than you would have if you would have just gone to Target in the first place and bought the item, so what with the cost of gas and all, no one is really going to develop any unhealthy habits around this game. It's just not cost effective.

But apparently, the gaming commission was so worried about society's ability to ward off an addiction to this game, they felt it was necessary to eliminate its existence.

If a gaming commission has nothing better to do than wage war on the arcade version of Deal or No Deal, it's time to evaluate how our tax dollars could be more effectively spent.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Brownie Points

I became an avid fan of Sex and the City after the WB...oh, sorry, CW...started airing the edited versions regularly. There was something about these four characters that struck a cord--maybe it was their vulnerability, maybe it was their shoe addictions or maybe just the way they related to each other--but whatever the reason, I quickly got hooked on the show. Although I didn't see the series finale until well after it originally aired, I still had Sex and the City withdrawals after I had seen all of the episodes. But then the producers of Sex and the City did something that took some of the sting out of having to say goodbye to a favorite TV series.

They made a movie.

I have had May 30 circled on my calendar for quite some time. I couldn't wait for the movie to come out. I had been debating whether or not to beg Hubby to take me to see it, or to just go with a friend at some point when he was otherwise occupied. My plan on Friday was to come home and feel him out, and then based on his response to the "What do you want to do tonight" query make my decision.

But before I even had a chance to ask him, he gave me this:

He had ordered the tickets online the day before, and picked them up before I got home from work. Then he put them in the glass with the shreddy poofy stuff and surprised me with it.

Is he great or what? He took me to go see the movie, even though he knew he'd be one of, like, 10 other guys in the theater (and for the record, there were only 5 other guys in the theater), and even though it would never have been something he would otherwise have watched.

I'll pause here while everyone oohs and aahs over my husband's act of generosity.

Done? Then we can proceed to talking about the movie. I won't go into too much detail in case some of you have yet to see it, but I will say that it stayed fairly true to the series. The character interaction was the same, and it was just as funny as ever. The only surprise that I found was that I had never bothered to wonder just how edited the CW version was...let's just say it is now apparent that the CW version eliminated the "sex" from Sex and the City, and the movie definitely did not. So that would be one thing to keep in mind if you've only ever seen the edited versions like me.

Honey, if you're reading this, I had a great time Friday. :) Thank you.