Thursday, April 3, 2008

Some Men Should Come With A Warning Sign

My job is a wealth of blogging material, as you will come to find out. I had debated telling you today about my former supervisor who we think faked having ovarian cancer, but I've decided to save that for another day and instead blog about a dear co-worker of mine and her recent boy trouble, because I am having trouble being there for her as a friend, considering the mind-boggling situation she has managed to get herself into. I'm hoping someone out there might have some advice.

Co-worker met Man in a bar a couple of years ago. Co-worker was immediately attracted to Man. Co-worker found Man fun to be around and easy to talk to. Co-worker and Man had several dates over the course of several weeks, and all seemed to be going well until Man started exhibiting multiple red flags that should have sent Co-worker running for the hills but did not.

It turned out that Man had several DUI's, did not have a driver's license, and had to take an alcohol test every morning and call in the results because of his DUI's. Man was not the type to make his child support payments, probably due in part to the fact that Man had BAD credit problems. BAD. The worst. So bad that Man got kicked out of the apartment Man was sharing with a friend, and showed up on Co-Worker's doorstep on CHRISTMAS DAY and asked to move in because Man had no place else to go. They had known each other about a month, and prior to this there had been no discussion of them living together. Co-worker however felt bad turning him away on Christmas day, so in moved Man.

Man assured Co-Worker he was trying to change, and Co-worker rationalized her decision by saying that Man's honesty was a testament to his character. At first, things went relatively well. Man cooked, cleaned, and paid rent. However, as time went on, their relationship rapidly deteriorated. Co-worker discovered Man was manipulative. Man would stay out all night with his friends (one of them a married woman who Co-worker later found out he was having an affair with). Man would not invite Co-worker, and would not call Co-worker to let her know where he was, even though Man and Co-worker were still dating at this point. After a few months, Co-worker had had enough, and kicked Man out. Except Man did not leave. Man immediately apologized, said he was sorry, and begged for forgiveness, said he would change, and agreed to work on their relationship. Co-worker, still attracted to Man, gave in.

Man of course did not change, and as soon as a few days later was acting as though nothing had ever happened. Things continued in the same dire state for several more months, during which Co-worker began to suspect Man was getting him a little something something on the side. This is where things went from bad to beyond my comprehension.

Co-worker, instead of just kicking out Man for good and washing her hands of his loser-ness, began an obsessive quest to gather proof for the whole world just how much of a low-life rotten scum bag Man really was. Co-worker followed Man around, trying to catch him cheating (which she did). Co-worker went to where she knew Man would be hanging out, trying to catch him cheating (which she did). Co-worker set up fake profiles on dating Web sites that she knew Man subscribed to hoping to lure him in with pictures of hotties and prove that he was not only cheating on her, but also on the married woman with whom he cheated on her with in the first place (which she did). Co-worker even contacted the husband of the married woman Man was doing the nasty with, and told him what she knew.

And that is an extremely edited version of the lengths that Co-worker went to. There are so many more sordid details, but if I were to include them all, I'd probably crash Blogger's server. Suffice it to say that Co-worker made many many decisions I and everyone else in her life vehemently disagreed with, but she was bound and determined to expose Man for what he was. I think she thought it would make her feel better. Of course it didn't, and not only that, but Co-worker sucks as a spy and got busted by Man in every single one of these endeavors. So to add insult to injury, now Man publicly refers to Co-worker as his "psycho stalker" (they live in the same small town).

Co-worker is devastated about the whole thing, and is often in tears over why she wasn't good enough even for the worst of losers (the ladies here in the office repeatedly tell her she should take this as a compliment, but she doesn't see it that way). This has been going on for quite a while, and I don't know what to say to her anymore. I could use some suggestions.


Jillian said...

Wow... that is an absolute mess. I don't have any suggestions, I think I would have gotten irritated and gave up a while ago.

Laura said...

Well, I suppose until she is willing to value herself and listen to the good advice she's already been given, there isn't much more to say to her. I guess just listen? This is a tough one!

Colleen said...

Wow, that's a situation that is so far from anything I've ever experienced! It sounds like she has some self-esteem issues. No woman should ever have to put up with such a scummy man! I don't know what advice to give her if she hasn't really been listening to the advice she's already received.
I do find it comical that she met the guy with a DUI problem (supposedly under control) in a bar. I hope that she is much more careful when she selects her next boyfriend.

Mrs. R said...

Thanks, everyone. Yeah, she does have some deeper self esteem issues I think--I know she met with a counselor, but I'm not sure how that went or if she's still going. I guess sometimes all you can do is listen.

Dorky Dad said...

Dangit. I was going to say "self esteem" issues but someone beat me to it. Unfortunately, some people, women in particular, just think that those kinds or relationships are the ones they deserve. Sad, really.

Has she kicked him out of the house yet? She just needs to get rid of him and move on.

Mrs. R said...

DD: She has gotten rid of him (he's out of the house). It's the moving on part she's having a really hard time with.

Queen Goob said...

Co-worker not only has self-esteem issues but co-dependency issues as well. How do I know this, you ask….been there, done that. I read a book many years ago and still have it somewhere. Going on a search and destroy mission to find this and forward title to you. It would make a fabulous gift.

As far as what can you do right now? You don’t have to listen, you don’t have to give advice, these options obviously aren’t working. Next time Man comes up in conversation just kindly yet firmly state that unless she has good news to report on her relationship (or lack there of) with Man, you really don’t want to discuss it as it is distracting you from work you need to be doing.

I promise, she will wake up one day and say “Oh my gosh, why am I so upset about this….he’s NOT MY PROBLEM!”

Hugs, though, sounds like you need them.

Mrs. R said...

Thanks Queen. Yeah, if you ever find that book, let me know.

Queen Goob said...

Found it!

"Love Is A Choice" by Robert Hemfelt, Frank Minirth, & Paul Meier

Can be found here:

Hope this helps, did wonders for me.....when I was young and impressionable. Now I'm just jaded.

Mrs. R said...

Thank you Queen! I will definitely look into it.